Public Service Announcement

Gary drove to the nearest fast food restaurant and ordered his favorite meal. Little did he know that the government had finally smartened up and had started a secret operation to turn people off the addictive, grease-soaked fat-meals Americans have grown so fond of. As Gary sat down with his so-thought-delectable-dish-of-doom, the burger started to quiver, then sprouted arms and legs…and two sesame seeds enlarged to form eyes.

Gary sat stunned. The burger got to its feet, brushed off his lower bun, scratched his lettuce and met Gary’s gaze, and stared right back. They sat in muted awe, the burger looking more and more annoyed as his sesame-bun eyebrows furrowed. He started looking Gary over, up and down, peering to the left and right. Finally he picked up a French fry and hurled it at Gary’s face; it hit him right between the eyes. Gary jumped with surprise.

“WTF?? You’re a burger…why the flaming &^*&$ are you throwing fries at me?”

The burger put his little hands on his meat-bun hip and laughed jovially. He picked up another fry and held it out in front of Gary.

“You are what you eat…” he said shaking the fry. Then he pointed to Gary’s chair.

Gary looked down at his chair then back up at the burger, puzzled. “Uh…what?” Another fry to the face.

“FATASS!” Bellowed the little burger. He was clearly incensed. He started pacing around on Gary’s food tray, kicking fries in his anger, sending them flopping to the floor. Then he picked up a pickle and started eating it.

“Hey! That’s mine!” Gary was annoyed now too. Not only was he hungry but his food was playing with him. The burger ignored him and munched silently, then licked his fingers when the pickle was gone. Gary thought it was time for extreme measures. He reached over while the burger bent over for another pickle. He flicked out his little legs and sent him face-planting into pickles and a dollop of ketchup.

The burger didn’t move. Gary looked around nervously then remembered it was a burger; you cant kill a burger. He looked closer and the burger did nothing. Then as he had started to lean in a little further the little arms started flailing about, tiny fists pummeling the tray sending fries, pickles and a spray of ketchup flying from the table. Gary was afraid all the commotion might attract attention so he picked up the burger by one of his miniscule hands and set him on a napkin. Then Gary handed him another napkin to wipe of the ketchup from his upper bun. The burger just sat and wiped, his sesame visage expressionless.

“Sorry….” said Gary weakly.

“Lard-face” said the burger matter-of-factly.

“Well you were eating my pickes, and I’m hungry and I bought you to eat so this is a little annoying and…well…weird.” Gary sounded almost pleading.

“Then take this as a sign,” said the burger throwing the soiled napkin on the try, sending more fries to the floor “eat something else! Make something perhaps? But hot-damn you are not going to live long hauling that FAT ASS AROUND!”

Gary blinked. Then he handed the burger another napkin. “do you need a lift somewhere?” The burger got up and brushed off his knees

“yeah just drop me off downtown will ya?”

“Sure thing” said Gary and he hoisted the little burger onto his shoulder and walked out into the parking lot.

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