I Told My High School Son to Just Stop Studying

Just Stop Studying. Actually, what I said was if you try to study for that test, I am going to burn your study guide. You are not studying. Doesn’t sound like parenting at it’s finest does it, but I would argue it’s one of the best things I ever did for my child.

Rewind two years to freshman orientation. We sat through the presentation listening to five current students discuss high school. All were AP students, on the honor roll, and receiving college credit as high school students. All were highly involved in athletics and clubs. My son left wanting to be those students and I left thinking how amazing it would be for him to be as successful as those students. We enrolled him in 3 of the 4 AP classes for his freshman year.

Short of a few bumps with time management and learning to study a little better, freshman year went great. He got all A’s, had a 4.12 GPA, participated in 3 sports, and attended State Science Olympiad. If you asked my son, he would tell you that Sophomore year was when things got bad. His grades dropped, and he began to struggle in school. I would tell you this is when I saw a change in my son – he began to withdraw socially, experience high anxiety, and just wasn’t the same happy kid I knew. So, what happened?

He became fixated on making sure he maintained all A’s. He called one day very serious to tell me something bad had happened. My heart dropped, expecting the worst. He got a D on a chemistry assignment. He was calling to apologize for messing up but explained he had already approached the teacher and created a plan to fix it. He retook tests he got a 95% on so that he could raise it to a 97.5%! Then came the blow, that changed everything. He was not recommended to take one of the AP courses for his Junior year because of poor academic performance. He had an 88.3% in a weighted AP class, that translates to a 98.3%. He was prepared to do whatever it took to get that grade. I wasn’t. I was done. Enough was enough.

I sat him down. I was blunt. I said, “You’re getting a B, maybe 2 this quarter. You’re done spending all your time studying and doing homework. You need a life, you need friends, and you need fun. You can get any grade on your test and keep a solid B in the class. That is the plan.” He argued and tried to persuade me differently. I replied, “I will burn your study guide if you try to study.” I went on to tell him, “You can get a B. You can get more than one B. Whether you have a 4.12 or end up with a 3.8 GPA, you will be fine. You will be successful, you will have a job, and you will have a great life. Once you get out of college NO ONE cares about your GPA. You are going to college and will be successful in college because you work hard, and you want to succeed. You will probably make A’s and you will probably make B’s – heck you might even have a class you get a C in. And you know what, that will be okay. Because I will tell you a secret. The top student in the school of engineering will get to be an engineer. I will tell you an even bigger secret. The students in the bottom of your class will also get to be an engineer. When you go to interview for a job, it won’t be your GPA that an employer is focused on but your ability to communicate, be creative, and be collaborative. You will get your first job because of YOU – who you are. So, you are dropping the AP classes. You won’t have as much college credit when you graduate from high school. Who cares and why would you want to rush through college anyway? College will literally be one of the greatest times of your life. Hell, take the five-year plan if you can pull it off! Let’s deal with high school now and deal with college in college. You are going to enjoy your life and high school years, and that is that – decision is made.”

Junior year. He would tell you his GPA did drop – he now just has a 4.0. He would say he is taking Honors Math and the easier courses now, which include debate, forensics, engineering, physics, and Spanish IV. His perception. He still has homework, but he isn’t swamped. He works a part-time job a few hours a week. He goes to school events and socializes with his friends. He is happier. I have my son back.

My purpose is not to bash the AP and Honors system or the teachers who teach those courses and the students who chose that path. It’s a great path for SOME students. But as a mother and a teacher myself, I am becoming very concerned that this path is being presented as the norm for ALL students. Why at freshman orientation are there not average students talking about the struggles and hardships of being a high school student? Why are AP classes being pushed as the norm? When did a C become a bad grade and not the average grade? Why do students need to have a year of college completed in high school? Why are there not more discussions about technical and trade programs? Why do we want everyone to take the same path? Isn’t diversity and differences and individual confidence the whole point of an education?

I don’t think my son’s GPA will make him successful, but I do think the fact that he can collaborate with his peers and even lead those peers will. I don’t think being in Honors or AP classes will make him successful, but I do think the fact that he can admit his mistakes and will take the initiative to find solutions and fix those mistakes will. I don’t think performing well on a standardized test will make him successful, but I do think his creativity and curiosity and innovative thinking will. I don’t think belonging to Honors groups will make him successful, but I do think the fact that he takes risks and isn’t afraid to try new things will. I don’t think WHAT he has accomplished will get him a job someday and I certainly don’t think it will be the determining factor of his success. I am confident that it is WHO he is will be the single most important factor in his success. Who he is a just a really great kid who is becoming a really great man. That’s more than enough for me.