The VOICE of THOSE KIDS: No One Wants Better For Me Than Me

You want me to change. You want me to do better and make better choices. You want me to learn to cope and overcome and put myself on the right path. I understand how you feel because I feel the same way. No one wants better for me than me. I’m trying hard to make the changes I need to make, but I can’t do it by myself. You have to change too.

There’s always a focus on the mistakes I’ve made. There were a lot and some of them were bad. Really bad. I’m learning to own those mistakes. I made choices. I hurt people. I hurt myself. What you don’t see is the guilt I feel or what that guilt does to me. How I replay situations in my mind that I could have done differently. Better. How my life would be different now. I’m stuck in those mistakes. They swirl around me day after day after day. Sometimes I can start to see past them, but sometimes they suffocate me. That’s why I need you. I need you to change the way you look at me. Please don’t look at me for the mistakes I’ve made. Don’t whisper about me or gossip about me and look at me with pity. Change the way you look at me. Look at me for the choices I still can make. Look at me and see the possibilities and the capabilities and the hope. Look at me and see a future. Change the way you look at me.

There’s a focus on the moments when I fall apart. I know sometimes it’s hard not to. I get loud and angry and I may even scare you. I may scream and cuss and threaten you. I may lash out physically at you. I scare myself in those moments. Those moments when the emotions take over and control me. When I’m not myself anymore. Those moments bring shame and guilt and embarrassment. I define myself by those moments. The bad kid. Worthless. Hopeless. Please don’t expect those behaviors from me. Don’t wait for them to happen.  Help me see that these incidents are really just “moments.” They don’t last hours or days or weeks. Moments. Most of the time I do pretty good. Sometimes I even do really good. See how I recover and pull myself back together after those incidents. See how I regain my composure and how I am learning to take accountability for my actions. See how it’s not happening as often or as much or with as great of intensity. Set high expectations for me. Expect me to cope and make progress and do better. Change what you expect of me.

There’s a focus on talking about the things I lost. The things I didn’t achieve. The things I missed out on because of the choices I made. I lost my childhood. I grew up way to fast. I experienced things I hope you will never understand. I lost friends and family. I became good at hurting the people that meant the most to me. I also lost my innocence. I learned that not all people are good. Some people will lie to me and cheat on me and hurt me. I lost myself. The person I used to be no longer exists. Please don’t feel sorry for me though. That’s not what I want. Don’t look at me and shake your head. Don’t talk about my lost potential and the things I didn’t do. Don’t talk about the long road ahead of me. Talk about the way I’m learning from those mistakes and how I’m finding alternate ways to achieve my goals. Talk about the way I’m reinventing myself and how I hope to use my experiences and my voice to help others like me. Talk about the strength and the determination and perseverance that I have gained. Change the way you talk to me. Changethe way you talk about me.

I’m trying to change. I’m ready for a change. I ready to learn to cope and deal and face my problems. I don’t want to hide anymore. When I walk into your classroom the next time, stop thinking about what I did and think about what I can do. What is possible for me. What you can help me achieve. Stop focusing on the mistakes or those moments of struggle. Realize that every time I face my demons, it makes me stronger. Especially when I’m not alone. Especially when you are fighting alongside me. Stop talking about what I didn’t do or what I can’t do or what I missed doing. I am here right now. I am ready to live. I am ready to change my life. I need to focus on what is ahead. I need to move forward. Please change the way you look at me. Change what you expect of me. Change the way you talk to me. Because it’s that change in you that may make the most change in me.

Written by Candace Boehm as told by student.